I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way a lot of men started treating “I’m a nice guy” like it was some kind of rare and impressive personality trait. Like they’d unlocked a secret level of human decency that the rest of us are still struggling to reach. They say it with their whole chest, like they expect a round of applause or a medal for not being an absolute prick. As if basic respect and not treating women like shit is some kind of achievement worth bragging about.
Being nice is not a personality. It’s the bare minimum. It’s the default setting. It’s what you’re supposed to be as a functioning adult who interacts with other human beings. You don’t get extra points for it. You don’t get to put it on your dating profile like it’s a unique selling point. “I’m a nice guy” is the equivalent of saying “I have a pulse” or “I know how to breathe through my nose.” Congratulations. Welcome to the club. Most people are managing it.
I’m not nice, I’m the first to admit it. I was born into the easy life, I had money growing up and friends all from money backgrounds. I went through University without a penny of debt. I learned really fast that money could buy anything or anyone. I’m brutally selfish, I’m out for me in this life and until recently, I was out to destroy the patriarchy because I saw it as a flaw in the system. Now, I’ve softened towards men. I know there’s some great guys out there, guys willing to give you everything you want for a price. I respect that! I own a guy, for however long he allows it. But in exchange for him sorting me out once a month, I’m paying his debts. That’s a fair trade. But I’m not, and never have hidden my flaws. I know I’m a cunt. The problem is, men are now putting this “Nice Guy” thing in their dating profiles, and you can see through it. It’s not the hack they think it is.
The problem is that a lot of men have started using “I’m a nice guy” as a shield. They say it like it excuses everything else. Like it makes up for having the personality of a damp sock or treating women like they’re doing them a favour by being interested. They’ll be dry, boring, entitled, or even outright rude, and then get genuinely confused when it doesn’t work out. Because in their heads, they did the one thing they were supposed to do. They were “nice”. What more do we want from them?
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard some version of “But I’m such a nice guy though” after things don’t go their way. Whether it’s getting rejected, getting ghosted, or not getting the response they think they deserve. It’s like they think niceness is some kind of currency that should guarantee them attention, sex, or a relationship. As if being decent to someone for five minutes means they now owe you something in return. That’s not being nice. That’s being transactional with extra steps. If that’s the case, just be honest. I’m totally honest about it, and things are great for me at the moment.
The thing that actually makes it funny, and a bit tragic, is how low the bar is. These men genuinely seem to believe that not being openly horrible is something special. They’ll tell you they’re nice like it’s a rare and endangered quality, when in reality most women have met plenty of genuinely kind, respectful men who don’t feel the need to announce it every five minutes. The ones who actually “are” nice tend to just show it through their actions. They don’t need to keep reminding everyone like it’s their entire identity.
There’s also this weird entitlement that often comes with it. The “I’m a nice guy” types are usually the first to get bitter when things don’t go their way. They’ll start complaining about how women only go for “bad boys” or how they always finish last, completely ignoring the fact that maybe, just maybe, being nice isn’t the only thing that matters. Maybe women also want someone funny, or interesting, or emotionally intelligent, or capable of holding a conversation that doesn’t revolve around how nice they are. Shocking, I know.
I’ve had men tell me they’re nice guys within the first few messages, like it’s supposed to make me instantly interested. As if that one piece of information is enough to override everything else. And when I don’t immediately fall at their feet in gratitude, they get confused or annoyed. Because in their mind, they’ve already done the hard part. They’ve identified themselves as one of the good ones. What more do I need?
The truth is, if you have to keep telling people you’re a nice guy, you probably aren’t one. Genuinely kind people don’t need to advertise it. It shows in how they treat others, how they handle rejection, how they behave when they don’t get what they want. The men who bang on about being nice are usually the ones who are only nice when they think it’ll get them something. The second it doesn’t work, the mask slips and you see the resentment underneath.
It’s exhausting. Women are out here dealing with actual bullshit from men on a regular basis, harassment, entitlement, manipulation, ghosting, negging, the list goes on, and then we have to deal with men getting offended that we’re not falling over ourselves to reward them for basic human decency. It’s like showing up to work and expecting a promotion just because you didn’t set the building on fire. That’s not how any of this works.
Being nice should be the starting point, not the whole pitch. If that’s the most interesting thing you have to say about yourself, then that’s the problem. Women aren’t looking for men who are simply “not awful.” We’re looking for men who are actually good company. Men who can make us laugh, who can hold a conversation, who have something going on in their lives beyond just not being a dick. “I’m a nice guy” tells us nothing about who you actually are. It just tells us you think you deserve credit for something most people are already doing.
And honestly, the more someone has to remind you that they’re nice, the more suspicious it makes the whole thing. Real kindness doesn’t need a disclaimer. It doesn’t need to be announced. It just is. The men who are actually decent don’t walk around acting like they’ve discovered fire because they didn’t treat someone like shit.
So no, being a nice guy isn’t enough. It never was. It’s the bare minimum. If that’s all you’ve got, then you don’t have much. And the sooner more men realise that, the better it’ll be for everyone.
Emma (aka Blue)