The Sex Doctor is in the house
Harriet (H) wrote to me again. In reply to my previous reply article. Shorter this time, and ruder, which I respect.
She doesn’t want a seminar on loyalty. She wants one night with a particular man. He was in a long term relationship with her best mate. I replied once already on Substack, but apparently I missed the point.
The best mate has had two boyfriends since, and now in a long term one. H has had the story for years, the one women tell when a man was actually good in bed and they haven’t had anything like it since. H can’t stop thinking about it. She also can’t work out how to ask him without the whole thing detonating like a nuke in a group chat.
So this is the practical version. Not a shove. A route.
The best friends boast
Our imaginations act on information. You’ve been hearing stories from your friend about how good he is in bed for years.
And it makes you think.
A lot.
I have been victim to this personally and very publicly. I went after a guy recently that was so well known, a whole town spoke his name quietly. The gravity well around this guy was insane. And he had a book telling me what he could do like some tortuous CV. And he didn’t do it with just anyone, I was his forth in near fifteen years. I know he was telling the truth, because I said I was looking for experience. He said three (before me). He never fluffed up the numbers to match my need.
I turned my nose up at first, I said, is that it?
He looks at me coldly.
I ate the same woman out every day for ten years. How much more experienced do you get? Take it or leave it.
Not only did he have a good point. His nonchalance and lack of concern was attractive and hot. Obviously, that made it worse. He literally chooses you, and that’s hotter. I had to know what it felt like, and he didn’t disappoint. He broke me in a way I couldn’t ever have imagined.
So given that the guy you’re thinking about isn’t even on that level of discussion and insane level of draw, we can assume you’re still in two minds.
But I do understand it, the pull, the imagination, and that itch downstairs that won’t leave you alone.
It needs to be satisfied. You owe it to yourself. You only live once.
But I’m here to help.
You are already in it
The guilt is late. You’ve been thinking about him for long enough that the pure version of you, the one who never wondered, is gone. Two boyfriends later, the relationship you are protecting is a memory with a name attached. What they had together is dead, you’re not doing anything wrong, and I get that you feel otherwise.
You’re not stealing a current man (assuming he’s still single, you never said). You are circling a finished one because your mate hyped him up, showing off, in the way mates do when they are inflating themselves to be better than you. They are also telling the truth, that he knew what he was doing in bed.
That story stuck because most men don’t. I’ve had my share of fun, and I’ve only had two in my entire life that I can confidently say hit a nine out ten.
Women don’t spend years repeating a mediocre night over wine. They repeat the one that ruined the average. You heard it. You filed it. Now your body has taken it out of the file and you are calling the feeling disloyalty when it is mostly unfinished curiosity.
Curiosity this specific doesn’t pack itself away because you’re polite.
Polite gets you nowhere.
With polite, you lose out.
You’re missing the night, not the theory of the night. If they were still together, you’d still be wondering, thinking. Now you’re both single, what the hell are you doing?
If he is as good as she said, and you never find out, you will still be thinking about it in two years, only then you will have added resentment to the guilt. Resentment at her for telling you. Resentment at yourself for treating a dead relationship like a locked door. One evening doesn’t delete her from your life. It answers you.
It goes without saying, it’s none of her business.
Decide the terms before you type
Do this before you contact him, not after he replies and your hands go stupid. You want one night. Not a boyfriend audition. Not a confession to the group. Not a situation where she hears it from him on a random Tuesday.
Write that down in notes you don’t sync anywhere dramatic. One night. No stories. No follow-up theatre unless you both want it later, and later is a different conversation.
If you can’t say that to him in plain words, you’re not ready to see him. The secrecy is not a sexy extra. It’s the condition. Men who cannot hear a condition without turning it into a joke are men who talk. You are screening for that first.
How to reach him without a trail of mates
Use a channel she doesn’t sit in. Not the group chat. Not a comment on a photo she will see. Not a request that lands on a profile she still lurks. A direct message from an account she’s not on, or a number if you already have it. An email. Most Facebook profiles allow one or two messages without the need to actually add them. Don’t add him, that can be seen by others. Just throw him a single message that we are going to disguise with simple psychology.
Short. Daytime. Boring enough that a screenshot would look like nothing.
You’re not writing a confession at this point. You are opening a door he can walk through or ignore. You’re getting his attention. Something in this shape works better than a speech.
The following message works, because it’s likely that he sees you as an extension of his ex. We are going to break that tie he has with a great piece of psychology. Even if you and him fell out in the most violent way during the split between them both, this works.
Hey, not spoke in ages, I heard you’re having a rough time of it lately, hope you’re okay?
This works. Every time.
Why?
Because nobody ever asks a man if he’s okay, it never happens. This will bewitch him, even if he hates you, which he most likely doesn’t.
For a man it’s so rare to be asked, it knocks them wonky.
This opens a door for a guy like you wouldn’t believe. It’s personal and will hit him like a hammer. Also, if he screenshots it because he’s a horrible person, it just looks like you’re being friendly, and makes him look really nasty and vindictive. There can only be one answer. And it creates a bridge.
Let the conversation develop until you’re ready. If he refuses a reply, you’ve lost nothing.
Do not discuss his ex or bring her up at all. You don’t want the association in there. If he brings her up, or asks anything about her, he’s not ready and will most likely never will be, you’re permanently tagged to her. If however, he doesn’t mention her, it’s likely he sees you as a separate entity. If so, you’re good.
The next phase.
Simply bring up a funny moment you’ve had together in the past or a joke you shared. Say you were reminded of it, and just had to talk you. You’re nostalgia bating him without digging up deep history.
Keep going, keep responding, light and playful
Sooner or later, he’s going to ask if you’re seeing someone, most likely shrouded in an ask about how your life is. This is where you throw the shark chum.
Oh, I’m not looking for anything serious, I’ve had nothing but shit. It gets lonely, frustrating, but it’s better than having the aggravation of a man.
If he’s interested, this will be cat-nip.
Assuming he is, he’ll flirt a little. Shoot it down with some laughing emojis, but quickly follow it up with a “hmmm” Wait a moment. Then…
Tempting, but I think my mates would pile on me for even thinking such a thing. Lol
At this point, you’ve put the thought in his mind, and you’ve still got plausible deniability. If he’s not interested, the chat will organically go a different direction, because he won’t bite on it.
What you’re looking for is him to bring up a secrecy pact.
And he will.
Keep it fun, light and innocent.
I’ve only ever met two men that take secrecy to the next level. One, actually having a secrecy contract.
But most men don’t want people knowing their business, it’s how they are wired. They don’t have group chats the way we do.
So play it cool. In time, he’ll make it obvious if he can keep a secret. The trick to this easy, you need him to write in an incriminating way, so if he does screenshot it, he looks more guilty than you. And men will always incriminate themselves first. When you’re comfortable, you drop the false shock and confession in his lap.
This is out of nowhere, so feel free to leave it. I have been thinking about you for longer than I have admitted. I’m not looking for a thing, and I’m not normally into one nighters, but I could do with some company. I don’t know why, but I’ve always trusted you. You’ve always made me laugh. If you are single and curious, say so. If not, ignore this and I won’t bring it up.
That is the whole first big message. No joke about your friend. No reference to what she told you in bed-detail, because that’s her private talk, also because it makes you look like you are collecting a review.
He already knows he has a reputation if he has one. You don’t need to tell him. Instead you’ve handed him the big one, you’ve told him that you trust him and find him funny. And that’s huge for men. He’ll be honoured more than you can imagine.
Send it when you are sober. If he doesn’t reply, you leave it.
One message is a question. Three is a campaign. You’re not owed an answer. You are owed your own honesty, which you have now used.
What you say so it stays secret
If he replies like a person, you do the discretion bit before you do the flirt. Not after the clothes are off, when everyone agrees to anything. Before.
I want this kept between us. I’m not a game. I’m not going to discuss her with you, and I do not want you discussing me with her, or with anyone who would tell her. If that is a problem, say now and we stop. If you can do that, we can talk about a night.
Watch the answer, not the speed. A man who says of course, babe, I would never, in the same breath as a joke about how mad she would be, is already writing the anecdote. You want a calm, short reply.
A man who says understood, or I do not talk about this stuff, or that is fine, is more useful. You can also give him nothing juicy to carry.
No secrets of hers. No score-settling. The less story you hand him, the less story he has.
You cannot get a legal guarantee out of a text, short of a contract. You can refuse to continue if he treats the condition as optional. That is the only enforcement you have, and it’s enough, because the night isn’t compulsory. If he needs an audience, he doesn’t get you.
How to ask for the actual night
Once the condition has been heard, stop writing essays. Name the evening.
I want one night. Not a relationship conversation. Somewhere that’s not a pub our mates use. Discrete, private. If you want the same, pick a day. My place, or hotel.
Let him pick or pick yourself, but do not do the dance where you both pretend it might be a coffee forever. Coffee is how people hide from what you both want.
You already know what you are asking. A room, a time, a way home that doesn’t involve her street. Go in clear. Leave when it’s done unless you both say otherwise in the morning, in words, not in leftover heat.
In the room, do not spend it on her. She doesn’t exist. Not how she described him. Not whether she would mind. Don’t give any gossip. You, when around him, you act like you don’t know his ex.
You came to find out if the years of thinking match a real man. Talk to the man in front of you. If you’re nervous, say you’re nervous. If he’s that good, you won’t get time for it to drag. The time together will fly faster than anything. I’ve been in bed with a guy six hours before now, and it felt like it flew, I had to go back for more. Good, well practised men break time.
It is more attractive than a performance of cool, and it stops you babbling the one name you promised not to bring.
What you are wasting if you do not go
You’re not missing a soulmate montage. You’re missing a piece of information you have already paid for in attention. You’re missing something that made your friend babble after a few wines.
Years of a secondhand report. Skills that picks him out of a room. A rule you built after the relationship was already dead. If you never ask, the guilt stays and so does the want, which is the most expensive combination I know.
You get neither the night nor the clean conscience, because the conscience was already dirty the third time you thought about his mouth and cock,without telling anyone. Worst still, you don’t get the answer.
She has had two boyfriends since. Her life moved on. Yours is still paused on a story she told you. That pause is not loyalty. It is a refusal to update the file. One night will not make you the villain of a partnership you were never in.
It might make you honest. It might make you bored, which would also be an answer, and a better one than wondering at 1 a.m. for another winter.
Ask him like an adult. Keep her name out of the bed. Believe him on secrecy only if his reply can stand up without a performance.
Just do it, you’ve got nothing to lose, except you for a few hours, if everything she said was true. There’s a reason you can’t get him out of your head. Act on it, or you’ll never be free of your imagination.
