I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and until last Sunday, his mother thought I was a lovely, sensible girl who enjoys baking and occasionally volunteers at charity shops.
I do neither of those things.
What I do enjoy, however, is a little bit of bedroom creativity.
Nothing outrageous. Just the occasional outfit, some handcuffs, and a playlist that makes me feel like a very enthusiastic contestant on *Love Island After Dark*.
Anyway, last Sunday we had his parents over for lunch.
I’d made a roast chicken, bought a cheesecake from Tesco and transferred it into my own dish like the domestic goddess I pretend to be.
Everything was going beautifully.
His mum was complimenting my gravy. His dad was telling us about his new lawnmower.
Then my boyfriend said the six words that destroyed my reputation forever.
“Alexa, play my most recent playlist.”
Reader, I nearly swallowed a whole roast potato.
Because the most recent playlist wasn’t called *Sunday Chill*.
It was called “BEND ME OVER AND CALL ME YOUR MAJESTY.”
And Alexa, that treacherous little plastic bitch, announced it.
At full volume.
In front of his mother.
There was a silence so profound I could hear the chicken judging me from the serving platter.
Then the first song started.
*Pony* by Ginuwine.
His dad looked delighted.
His mum looked like she’d just discovered we’d been running a brothel from the spare bedroom.
My boyfriend lunged across the kitchen to unplug Alexa, knocking over an entire jug of gravy in the process.
And do you know what his mother said?
She looked directly at me and went:
“Well, at least someone’s keeping the romance alive.”
I haven’t recovered.
Worse, she texted me the next morning asking if I’d send her the playlist.
I genuinely don’t know whether she’s joking.
Emma, do I send it? Because there’s a very real chance my future mother-in-law is about to have the best Tuesday of her life.
WHAT’S YOUR VERDICT?
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