So I recorded my first podcast the other day, and I’ll will do one a week, an hour, and I’ll upload it on a new Youtube channel coming at the weekend. The livestreams are okay, but they don’t get recorded. On the tube, you’ll be able to rewatch them.
Someone asked me a question on Mondays stream.
“I want to add my best friends ex on facebook and hopefully, you know.”
My initial answer was, so add him.
What are talking about here?
But after sitting with it, I realised, most of you are not me. You need reason. You need to know he’s not going to stitch you up. I get it. So here’s how you do it and get away with it.
First we need to add him.
Not with a novel. Not with a speech. Facebook is nosy and men are lazy. The adds that actually get accepted are the ones that look accidental. He popped up in People You May Know. You have three mutuals and it would look weirder not to. You were in the same group, same wedding photos, same night out three years ago and the algorithm finally did its job. A woman on a dating thread said she wrote, I keep seeing you in suggested friends and it felt rude not to. He accepted in ten minutes. Another one used the event you were both at. Hi, I think we were both at Sarah’s thing, adding you before I lose the name. That works because it gives him a reason that is not I have been thinking about your mouth.
What does not work is a blank request from an account with no face and four friends. What does not work is liking a photo from 2019 then hitting add. What does not work is writing a paragraph about how you have always wanted to stay in touch. He can smell the paragraph.
If the Add Friend button is missing, his settings are friends of friends only. Then you need one mutual who will not immediately screenshot it to your best mate. That is the first loyalty test and it is not even his. It is yours. Do not use a fake profile. That is not slick. That is a court case waiting for a bored afternoon.
Once he accepts, do not message that night. Let the add sit. If he looks at your profile and does nothing, that is data. If he likes something current and light, that is data. If he messages first, you have already won the boring part.
Now the first text. You are not texting an ex. You are texting your best friend’s ex. That is a different animal. Do not mention her. Do not mention the breakup. Do not do Hey. Hey is what you send when you have nothing and you want him to do the work.
Use one specific thing that belongs to him, not to their relationship. A band he posted. A job change. A joke he made in a comment three weeks ago. Keep it short enough that he can reply from a bus. Something you know about him.
Something like: you popped up and I realised I never actually added you properly. How’s the new job treating you.
Or: this is random. I saw that photo of the dog and I need to know if he’s still a menace.
You are offering him an easy ball. If he knocks it back with one word and silence, he is not interested or he is still reporting to her. If he answers the question and asks one of his own, he is in the room.
How you test interest is not a quiz. It is timing and effort. Interested men reply in the same weather as the conversation. Daytime. A question back. A bit of warmth that is not immediately sexual. They suggest a thing. Coffee. A drink. A voice note that is longer than it needs to be.
Not interested, or only interested in the secret version of you, lives after ten. You up. What you doing. Plans that only exist at his door. No questions about your week. No memory of anything you said yesterday. That is not mystery. That is a man keeping you in a drawer.
If he is interested and still careful, you will feel the difference. He will want to talk and he will not want a paper trail that reads like a confession. That is the loyalty problem.
Guy like Scott for example, have a contract. Secrets are secret, I know many like him, so he was safe. But not all men have a contract. How do we deal with normal men? Most men have a mouth and a group chat. You cannot make him sign anything. You can watch. Does he still speak to her every week. Does he mention her without you asking. Does he laugh about other women’s secrets. A man who tells you what she was like in bed on message two will tell her what you were like on message three. Loose with her is loose with you.
The cleanest test is also the one people skip because it feels unsexy. You say it. I am not interested in this becoming a story she hears from you. If that is a problem, say now. Then you wait. If he reassures you too fast, too hard, too many promises, treat that like perfume. If he goes quiet and then comes back with something simple, I don’t do that, that is more useful than an essay.
You can also give him a small harmless thing and see if it travels. Not a weapon. Not a trap that ruins someone. A boring detail. If it lands back with her, you have your answer and you leave.
There is no scientific kit for this. Exes sometimes have leftover loyalty that looks like love and is actually habit. Sometimes they have none and they will meet you tomorrow. You find out by how he treats the gap between you and her, not by how hard he flirts.
My view is less delicate than the advice columns. You live once. If you want him, and he is single, and you are single, go. Do not write a moral dissertation for people who are not paying your rent. If you are married, that is your mess and his mess and you both know what you are doing. I am not going to pretend I am the church. I am also not going to pretend your best friend will clap. She will not. Wanting someone and keeping the friendship are not always available in the same basket. Pick knowing the price.
Gay, straight, messy, inconvenient. Wanting is not a personality flaw. Sneaking around and then acting shocked when it blows up is. If you are going to do it, do it with your eyes open. Add him with a reason that does not look like hunger. Text him like a person, not a plot. Watch whether he talks or he leaks. If he wants you, you will feel the pull without having to interrogate it every hour.
If he does not, the add was just an add. Unfriend. Stay boring on the new profile. Go home. There are other men and there is only one friend you cannot replace with a good excuse and a first text.
