So, I’ve been getting heat for this because of my recent posts. So let me explain.
Sadly, people don’t just vanish because we want them to. In my next article I’m going to share my nasty tactics on how to get someone out of your head, but this one needs to come first, because this article is the option where you get the most fun, adventure and sex. To get someone out of your head, you need to destroy the pedestal you have him on. And the best way to get that done is by using those other people.
So, I’ve spent years telling myself I was a good feminist. The kind who believes in equality, communication, and building something real with one person. And then there’s always that one bloke who lingers in the back of your head like a bad habit you don’t actually want to break. The one who knows exactly how to make your brain switch off and your body take over. The one who doesn’t ask if you’re okay every thirty seconds or treat your pleasure like a polite obligation. He just does it. Rough, focused, greedy in the way that makes you feel filthy and free at the same time.
I used to feel guilty about even thinking about him. Now I don’t. Because here’s the truth I’ve landed on after too many quiet nights staring at the ceiling next to someone who loves me but doesn’t fuck me the way I actually need: sometimes cheating is the most honest thing you can do for yourself.
There’s always that guy you still have a thing for
He’s probably an ex. Or that mate’s mate you flirted with at a party once and never quite shook off. Or the one from years ago who ruined you in a hotel room and then disappeared. You tell yourself it was just good chemistry. You tell yourself you’ve moved on. But every now and then, when your current fella is being sweet and safe and a bit boring in bed, your mind drifts back to him.
It’s not even about missing him as a person. It’s missing what he did to your body. The way he grabbed you without asking. The way he didn’t check in every two minutes like he was running a customer satisfaction survey. The way he made you feel like the only thing that mattered in that moment was how hard you came and how loud you got. You can love your partner with your whole chest and still have that one person living rent-free in your fantasies. I’ve got the hots for people I shouldn’t have any interest in, people that I wouldn’t give the time of day in a club. We don’t choose who we like and need to fuck. We can only choose if we do. You’re not in the wrong. That’s not betrayal. That’s just being human with a functioning memory and a working libido. I’m lucky to be in a position where I can, but it wouldn’t stop me if I ‘wasn’t allowed’. Some people can effortless draw you, even when you absolutely want nothing to do with them. That’s why they are hot.
I’ve got one. Everyone’s got one. Pretending you don’t is how you end up resenting the man who actually shows up every day. At least if you’re honest about it, you can decide what to do with the feeling instead of letting it fester into something ugly. I bet every single person reading this has a guy they can’t stop thinking about. You stalk his social media, every notification on your phone lights you up in the hope that it’s that bloke you’ve not fucked for months or even years. Maybe you haven’t fucked him at all, maybe he doesn’t even know you want him. It breaks you mentally.
I pretty much get every guy I want. I’m persistent and annoying. I set out to be that way because I hate moping around and I hate the feeling of someone not liking me. The last guy was a right prick, but I was on his case constantly. He was rude, obnoxious, egotistical, and that shit is hot.
Cheating keeps things fresh
Monogamy is sold to us like it’s the only mature option. Settle down, build a life, stop wanting anyone else. But here’s what nobody says out loud: long-term relationships can get stale in the bedroom even when everything else is good. You love him. You trust him. You’d probably take a bullet for him. But the sex has become comfortable. Predictable. Kind. And kind sex is lovely until you realise you’re starting to fantasise about being pinned down and fucked like the other person has something to prove.
Cheating, for some of us, is the pressure valve. It lets you keep the stable, loving relationship that makes your life work while still getting the raw, animal part of yourself satisfied somewhere else. It’s not romantic. It’s practical. You come home to the man who knows your coffee order and holds you when you cry, and once a month or so you disappear for a few hours and let someone else wreck you in ways your partner never will. Then you shower, go home, and carry on being a good girlfriend or wife. The relationship doesn’t collapse. In fact, sometimes it gets better because you’re not quietly seething with sexual frustration any more.
I’m not saying everyone should do it. I’m saying the idea that one person has to meet every single one of your needs forever is a fantasy sold by people who’ve never actually tried living it. But if you’re the type of person that can, you already know deep down.
Excitement
There’s a particular kind of high you only get from doing something you’re not supposed to. The planning. The secret messages. The lie you tell about where you’re going. The moment you’re in his car or his flat and the door closes and you both know exactly why you’re there. Your heart is hammering. Your hands are shaking a bit. You feel alive in a way that normal, scheduled Tuesday night sex with your partner just doesn’t deliver any more.
It’s not just the sex. It’s the secrecy. The risk. The fact that for a couple of hours you’re not someone’s girlfriend or wife or responsible adult. You’re just a woman who wants to be fucked stupid and is willing to lie to get it. That adrenaline doesn’t last forever, but while it’s there it’s addictive. It makes everything sharper. Colours brighter. The walk home afterwards feels electric. You’re smiling at your phone like an idiot and nobody knows why.
I’ve had nights where the build-up alone was better than most of the sex I was getting at home. The anticipation. The not knowing exactly how rough he was going to be. The moment he pushed me against the wall instead of asking if I was in the mood. That kind of excitement is hard to replicate inside a long-term relationship once the new relationship energy has worn off. Cheating gives it back to you in small, dangerous doses.
Your Partner gets the love, your toy gets the sleaze
This is the bit nobody wants to admit but most women who cheat understand instinctively. Your partner gets the version of you that wants to build a life. The one who cares about his feelings, remembers his mum’s birthday, and actually wants to cuddle after sex. He gets the emotional labour and the domestic version of you.
Your side piece gets the other version. The one who shows up already wet and doesn’t care about small talk. The one who wants to be bent over, talked dirty to, and used until she can’t walk straight. He doesn’t get your soft side or your vulnerability or your plans for the future. He gets the greedy, filthy, animal part of you that your partner either can’t handle or doesn’t know exists.
It’s not fair on paper. But it works for some of us. Your partner gets the love and the stability. Your toy gets the sleazy, mindless, no-strings, aggressive fucking that scratches an itch nothing else reaches. You get to keep both without either of them having to carry the full weight of who you are. Some women need that split. Some relationships only survive because of it.
I’m not proud of it. But I’m also not going to pretend it doesn’t make sense.
Selecting your side piece, you want discrete, great in bed, aggressive, hard fuck. All the things your fella are not.
If you’re going to do this, be ruthless about who you pick. You’re not looking for another boyfriend. You’re looking for a very specific tool.
He needs to be discreet above everything else. No social media stalking, no mutual friends, no chance of it blowing up in your face. You want someone who understands the rules without you having to explain them twice. Great in bed is non-negotiable, but more specifically you want the kind of aggressive, hard, slightly selfish fucking your current partner doesn’t deliver. The kind where he takes what he wants and makes you take what you need. The kind that leaves marks and makes you have to lie about where you got them.
You want someone who doesn’t ask if you came. He just keeps going until you do. Someone who can read your body and push you without checking in every five minutes. Someone who treats you like a slut for a couple of hours and then lets you go home and be a respectable woman again. Your fella might be lovely, kind, emotionally intelligent, and all the things society tells us we should want. But if he’s not giving you the rough, dominant, slightly nasty sex you actually crave, then he’s not the full package. And that’s okay. You can get the missing pieces somewhere else without blowing up the whole relationship.
Just don’t pick someone messy. The wrong side piece will ruin your life faster than any amount of guilt ever could.
Why i think you should just do it
Because the alternative is slowly dying inside while pretending one person can be everything. Because sexual frustration leaks out in other ways, resentment, irritability, picking fights, feeling numb. Because wanting aggressive, selfish, high-energy sex doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad feminist. It makes you a woman with a working body and a functioning imagination.
I’ve watched too many women stay in relationships where the sex is fine but never quite enough, convincing themselves they’re being mature by ignoring what they actually need. They get bitter. They get bored. They start resenting their partner for not being something he never signed up to be. Meanwhile the thing they actually want is out there, available, fucking women that don’t realise what he is. And only costs a few hours and a couple of lies a month.
If you’re safe, if you’re discreet, if you’re not hurting anyone and you feel you need it, deserve it, and if you’re honest with yourself about what you’re doing and why, then just do it. Stop performing the role of the perfect monogamous girlfriend when your body is screaming for something else. You’re allowed to want to be fucked like you don’t matter for a couple of hours. You’re allowed to want someone who doesn’t love you but knows exactly how to make you come until you can’t think. That doesn’t cancel out the love you have for your partner. It just means you’re complicated, like every other human being who’s ever lived.
The guilt is optional. The pleasure doesn’t have to be.
Conclusion
I’m not here to tell every woman she should cheat. Some people are genuinely happy with one person forever and that’s beautiful. But for those of us who aren’t wired that way, who still have that one guy living in our heads, who get bored or frustrated or quietly furious with the sex we’re getting at home, pretending it’s not happening doesn’t make us better people. It just makes us miserable.
Cheating isn’t noble. It’s not romantic. But sometimes it’s honest. Sometimes it’s the only way to keep the relationship you actually want while still getting the filthy, aggressive, no-holds-barred sex your body has been asking for. Your partner gets the love. Your toy gets the sleaze. You get to stop lying to yourself about what you need.
If that makes me a bad feminist, then so be it. I’d rather be a bad feminist who’s getting properly fucked and eaten out than a good one who’s slowly going numb. Life’s too short for mediocre sex and quiet resentment. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved is to go and get what you actually want somewhere else, then come home and carry on being the person they think you are.
Just be smart about it. Be discreet. And don’t pick anyone who’s going to catch feelings or blow up your life. Other than that? Stop apologising for having desires that don’t fit neatly inside one relationship. Own them. Act on them. And stop pretending the guilt is noble when really it’s just keeping you from having a better time.
Additional
Someone asked me in a stream what I do to get over a guy. I dodged the question because I know my opinions are questionable and there’s a few things that work very well depending how far you’re willing to go. I’m unapologetic, I’ve tried them all, and no doubt will need to do them again. But I’ll do an article after this one. There are a few sneaky things that work for me. But this part needed to come first. Because if you’re not willing to cheat, then you’ll have to play dirty. You’re going to have to get that guy out of your head, and I’ve got this down to a fine art. And I’m already working on it. See you then.