Hi Emma,
Long-time reader of ‘Emma’s Coven’ here, sorry to hear about your last one but I travelled with you, your threads on the pleasure gap and toxic masculinity in bed have genuinely kept me sane. I’m 26, live in Manchester, been with my boyfriend (let’s call him Mark, since we always do) for just over three years. He’s genuinely a good guy in every other way: does his share of the housework, remembers my mum’s birthday, supports my career. But the sex… god, it’s killing me slowly.
He goes straight for penetration after maybe thirty seconds of awkward boob-grabbing. Lasts two or three minutes max. I almost never come. I’ve tried hinting, I’ve tried straight-up asking for more oral or foreplay or just *time*, but he gets defensive, says I’m “too much” or that I must be watching too much porn or that “real sex isn’t like that.” So now I just fake it every time so the night doesn’t end in an argument. The guilt is eating me alive. I feel like a liar and a bad feminist all at once.
Am I being unreasonable? Is this just what straight sex is like for most women? I love him but I’m starting to dread bedtime. Help?
Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah.
First off, come here. Virtual hug. Proper tight one.
I read your email three times and my chest actually tightened because “fuck”, I know exactly how that feels. That slow, creeping dread when he starts kissing your neck and your brain’s already going “here we go again” while your body’s still somewhere in the post-dinner Netflix zone. The fake moans that feel faker every single time. The guilt that sits in your stomach like a stone afterwards. The way you lie there afterwards staring at the ceiling wondering if you’re broken or if this is just… it.
You are not broken.
You are not unreasonable.
And no, this is not “just what straight sex is like for most women.”
It’s what patriarchy-trained men have been sold as “normal” sex, and we’ve been gaslit into accepting it for decades.
Let me say that louder for the people in the back.
’This is the fucking pleasure gap.’ And it’s not a cute little statistic you read about in a glossy magazine. It’s real, it’s political, and it’s happening in bedrooms up and down the country every single night while women like you and me bite our lips and fake it so we don’t have to deal with the emotional fallout.
I’m gonna take you through this properly, hun. No fluff. No “just communicate better” Instagram wellness bullshit. We’re going deep because you deserve the whole messy truth, not some neat little listicle. Grab a flat white. I’ve got my cherry vape going and I’m not stopping until we’ve unpacked this entire nightmare.
First, let’s name the beast.
Your boyfriend isn’t “bad in bed” in some mysterious, unsolvable way. He’s been raised in a culture that tells men sex is something ‘they’ do ‘to’ women. Penetration is the main event. His orgasm is the finish line. Anything else, foreplay, clitoral stimulation, actually paying attention to whether you’re wet or turned on or even ‘enjoying’ yourself, is optional. Bonus points at best.
And the worst part? A lot of them genuinely believe this because porn, lads’ mags, dodgy mates, and their own dads never told them otherwise. So when you ask for more than thirty seconds of half-arsed fingering, he hears “you’re not enough” instead of “please give me the same effort I’m expected to give you.”
I’ve been there. Back when I was still pretending I was fine with mediocre dick because admitting it wasn’t fine felt too scary. I had this one ex, proper “nice guy,” lefty, called himself a feminist and everything. He’d last about four minutes, roll off, and go “did you come?” with this hopeful little smile. I’d lie every single time. Because telling the truth meant watching his face crumple and then spending the next two hours reassuring ‘his’ ego.
Sound familiar?
Yeah. That’s the emotional labour tax in the bedroom. We’re not just faking orgasms. We’re managing *their* feelings about not being able to give us one.
And Sarah, that shit is exhausting. It’s why you’re dreading sex even though you love the man. Your body knows what your brain is trying to ignore: every fake moan is another brick in the wall between you and real intimacy.
Now let’s talk about why this happens so much.
Responsive desire.
You’ve probably heard the term if you’ve read Emily Nagoski’s ‘Come as You Are’ (if you haven’t, drop everything and read it, I’ll wait). Most women have ‘responsive’ desire, not spontaneous. We don’t just randomly get horny out of nowhere like a lot of men do. We need context. Kissing. Touching. Time. Feeling safe and wanted and not like a human Fleshlight.
Society tells us we’re supposed to be these walking hornballs who rip men’s clothes off the second they walk through the door. That’s the lie. That’s the internalised misogyny talking. When your boyfriend calls you “high maintenance” for wanting more than thirty seconds of foreplay, he’s not just being a selfish lover – he’s enforcing the same patriarchal script that says women’s pleasure is secondary. Nice-to-have. Something we should be ‘grateful’ for if it happens.
Fuck that.
I want you to hear this loud and clear: wanting decent, attentive, *mutual* sex is not high maintenance. It’s the bare fucking minimum.
So what do we do about it?
Because I’m not here to just validate your rage (although you deserve that too). I’m here to give you actual tools. The kind of tools that don’t magically fix a man who doesn’t want to be fixed, but might – just might – give you a fighting chance.
Step one: Stop faking. Cold turkey.
I know. Terrifying. But every fake orgasm is training him that what he’s doing is working. It’s lying to him about your body. And more importantly, it’s lying to ‘you’.
Next time you’re in bed, when you feel that familiar “I should probably start moaning now” impulse, I want you to pause. Say something. Anything. Even if it’s just “hey… can we slow down a bit?” or “I need more of your mouth on me.” Be specific. Men are shockingly bad at reading subtle hints.
If he gets defensive? That’s information. That tells you exactly where his ego is at. And you get to decide if you want to spend the next however many years managing it.
Step two: The script.
I’m giving you the exact words because I know how hard it is to find them when you’re naked and vulnerable.
Then shut up and let him respond.
If he says yes? Brilliant. You start slow. You show him. You literally take his hand and put it where you need it. You guide him. You make it collaborative and fun instead of accusatory.
If he says no? Or gets sulky? Or turns it around on you? Then you’ve got a much bigger problem than bad sex. You’ve got a man who cares more about his ego than your pleasure. And that, babes, is a relationship red flag with bells on.
Step three: The practical stuff.
- Get yourself off *before* sex sometimes. Seriously. Take the pressure off him completely. Masturbate in front of him. Show him exactly what you like. Make it hot instead of a lecture.
- Introduce toys. A good vibrator during sex changes everything for a lot of women. If he feels threatened by it, that’s another data point.
- Read ‘Come as You Are’ together. Make it a joint thing. Turn it into date night homework.
- Track your cycle. A lot of us have way higher desire at certain points. Use that information.
- And for the love of god, stop having sex when you don’t actually want to. “Duty sex” is the fastest way to kill your libido stone dead.Now I’m going to say the hard thing.Sometimes the answer isn’t better communication. Sometimes the answer is that this man fundamentally doesn’t see your pleasure as important. And staying with someone who doesn’t value your orgasm is a choice. A painful one, but still a choice.You deserve to be fucked like you matter.You deserve a partner who gets off on getting you off. Who sees your pleasure as the main event, not the optional side quest.And if Mark can’t or won’t step up? Then you get to decide what your life looks like. Because life is too fucking short to spend it faking moans and resenting the man you’re supposed to love.I’ve had women in The Coven tell me they left relationships like this and their entire relationship with their own body changed. Suddenly they were initiating. Suddenly they were asking for what they wanted. Suddenly sex went from something they dreaded to something they craved. Because they stopped accepting crumbs.You’re not a bad feminist for struggling with this, Sarah. You’re a woman who’s been sold a lie about what sex is supposed to be and who’s paying the price in fake orgasms and quiet resentment.That ends now.
Drop your update in the comments or reply to this email. I read every single one. And if you want, I’ll even help you workshop the exact conversation with Mark. No judgment. Just solidarity.
You’ve got this, hun.
Your pleasure matters.
Your orgasm matters.
And you deserve a man who knows that without being told a thousand times.
Now go run yourself a bath, light a candle, and get yourself off properly, no faking required. You owe yourself that much.
Love you,
Emma
